Close your eyes, have no fear
The monster’s gone, he’s on the run
And your kakung’s here
Every time I look at my kakung, I realize that he is probably one of the biggest anomalies in my life. How is it that everyone leaves, but he always stays? How is it that everyone changes, but he loves me just the same? The existence of him has prevented me from saying all the things of being abandoned. He is, and always been, my anchor.
All his life, I guess, he’s living it out of his love of his family. However, he’s still a Javanese man who grows in his 50s and is unable to express love properly. It’s a tough love he’s giving.
It was in his early career as a young teacher that he fell in love at first sight with my Simbok, his brightest student at that time. He has always been sure of her that he dared to face many obstacles to tied the knot, when he was only 19. Being the gentleman that he is, Kakung worked hard and gave a lot of examples of how to treat both his parents and in-laws. In his old days, when I was already born and Simbok was still around, he was still called Simbok by her name, which I found playful. Imagining it has always been his way of calling his lover for decades.
I remember at a gathering, he introduced her in front of many people, “And meet my wife, my beautiful wife, Istiqomah,” Aah, if only Simbok knows, that years later after she passed away, Kakung still calls her just the same when he visited her graveyard. With his weak pace, and a bag of flowers, he said, “Is, I come again. How you doing there?”
Kakung is the biggest anomaly in my life because, from the bottom of my heart, I do not doubt that he would ever leave me. From when I was still in kindergarten, until I almost graduated from university, every time I came home, he sat there in our veranda, smoking and then smiling when he noticed me, “Bali ma?”
He would never know how much it relieves me. Although our relationship isn’t that lovey-dovey, and sometimes I can sense that we resent each other, he’s my favorite because he never says sorry—and I love that. I love it so much when I think about it, because I've heard too many sorrys in my life, ultimately from the man that should've been doing my kakung's job to take care of me.
Maybe that’s why I hold on to him so tightly. Because in a world full of uncertainty, he is my proof that some things, some people, are meant to stay.