Isn’t it funny that what once we thought going to be fun is now feels mundane?

Even funnier when mostly I wish I could cancel my plans and just stay at home doing chores with my mom.

Growing up now feels like seeking comfort. But get angry with myself if I trapped in my own comfort zone for too long. With all those sayings that the comfort zone will kill us. I thought life is only worth living if we keep hustling until the edge of dying.

But, maybe not?

Days ago, I passed out on my bed after spending almost a day out. Sleeping for hours without removing my make up. Heart splits open with no passenger.

During that semi hibernation, somehow I remembered one of the feeling that I love the most.

I love it when I half-asleep and I hear people—my family members—talk outside my room in a low tune. Not really caught what they say, but it feels nice knowing I’m here with them. That’s probably what my childhood feels like. I have a lot of memories of my mom or grandparents fixed my sleep position or held my hand when I’m half asleep. A lot of family members gathered outside my room when I caught fever. My late grandmother hug me after covered me with blanket.

Probably the nicest feeling ever. Being so loved.

Yesterday, when I woke at midnight, the home was so quiet. Other people had fallen asleep. I know, there’s one place that hold the crowd. My spotify displayed the last song that I listened before I sleep even deeper.  Notifications of some texts from different people.

I didn’t open right away.

I dreamt of a lot of things, but all of these were reflections of what I fear. One of that was feeling disappointed over something I don’t have the control button. Isn’t it funny? We aren’t 4 but we still can fall and bruised. We aren’t 4, this bruise knows no medicine, so sometimes we can just sit and cry like we are?

Have we really grown up or all these times, we have a false definition of it?

Have I lived for myself or for what I expected myself to be when deep down I know she is not me?

I used to think that growing up means being cool because you can do everything on your own. When you have nothing to lose because nothing owns you. But, maybe, on this page, growing up means being vulnerable and accept it. It means texting my friend are you up? at 1 am because you couldn’t translate your own mixed feeling or take a whole week off to take care of yourself. It means asking hug from other people because maybe they need it as well. It means forgiving the past and your younger self too. It means letting go of something or some people that crossed your path and then grow apart after you make a space in your heart. It means celebrating every feeling and stay close with people you know will accept you when you failing. It means seeking comfort and know that is not a mistake.

Maybe sometimes, comfort zone isn’t always kill, it somehow can heals, too.