Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Hello. This is my very first post in 2021. I’ve decided to write some self-reflection and share what have been in my thoughts lately. And the title is pretty much covered up all the things that I look forward and strive for  these past months. Exam.

As some of you may already know, I’ll be graduated from high school this year. Then, 2021 will be like a turning point to decide what kind of life that I’ll be going through for several years ahead. This year I’m waiting for a lot of announcements—from scholarship, college entrance exam that I’ll do seven days later, and another thing. Seems like my heart has to work extra to pump enough blood when it beats so fast every time I’m about to “get to know what my future looks like.”

One day, while I lied down at 11 pm hoping to fall asleep, my eyes stared at the note papers that I stuck on to my wall. Then, I remember that these past months I’ve (kinda) practiced what they called delaying gratifications.

To put it simple, delaying gratifications basically means the act to delay giving yourself a reward in order to obtain something more for the sake of better future or achievements. This reward can be in form of binge watch your favorite series, fangirling, or simply just ignore your responsibility for awhile. Years before being a 12^th grader, I gave a lot of treatments to myself—movies, books, and hanging out with friends. And actually, I still do it, but I kind of decrease the doses and cut some source of my entertainment in order to perform my best at the college entrance exam.

 

I’m no longer industriously watch Korean dramas which I don’t know why it’s getting better whenever I try to detach myself from it, no longer have lots of outdoor activities (well.. actually because of Covid), and… well, actually just that. ‘Cause I still figuring out how to decrease my screen time especially on scrolling social media, but I think my time is more well-spent than before because of this delaying gratification practice also taught me the kind of entertainment that I really like so that later on, maybe I won’t spend two hours straight just to figure out what to watch. And also, because of this practice, I feel like I finally let go of that ‘pressure to fit in’ by watching current trending series or movies. I haven’t watched Start Up and The Penthouse but I’m still breathing well and I think my friends still like being around me, so.. yeah, thankfully I discovered new wisdom.

In conclusion, all that I did—getting anxious, avoiding distractions, and restrain myself from some entertainments—are actually for the sake of passing the exam. ‘Cause I have to be all-prepared for that. Because if I failed, I’d be so sad and I’d have to do another exam which means it’ll be more difficult for me ‘cause I have to ‘suffer’ twice.

Coming back to my thoughts at that eleven in the night, my brain was kinda linked the ‘college entrance exam’ I’m about to have to the bigger exam that we’re having now. Me and you.

Life.

Yeah, the key point that I wanna elaborate in this long post is that life is an examination.

I think that sentence is already well known especially in many Islamic lectures. Yeah, life is an examination. This world, this dunya, isn’t the place where we can be free and relax and just laying down, stretching our legs, having no heavy thoughts. See in this life every person carry their own problems, burdens, anxieties, fears, traumas, insecurities, etc. And after we think we passed a trial, soon we’ll have something new to deal with. And even what we think is a happiness can actually be a test or trial. When we think we already grown up and have healthy relationship with people, we can still have to deal with ourselves. Over and over again.

Because life it’s indeed just about that.

But as a muslim, a trial shouldn’t make us so sad because Allah has promised to always got our back and He never failed His promise. He would never let us down. We’ve been guided by the Prophets, the Quran, the sunnah, in how to living this life.. how to passed the exam.

So I’ve been thinking, that what I did to prepare my college entrance exam are what I supposed to be doing to passed this way more ‘tremendous’ examination of life.

 

Delaying gratifications can be simply translated to do what Allah wants and avoid what He forbid which is the main definitions of Taqwa. Getting anxious about hereafter, about Allah’s blessings is the form of worship. It’s just melt my heart how beautiful if I can do that—if this imaan isn’t fluctuate very often. But again, Allah got our back and He always wait for us to repent over and over again.

 Sometimes when I’m studying and I got so sick of it, I often remind myself that I’ll get to do whatever I want after the exam passed. I’m actually already having a list on my mind—I wanna travel, I wanna eat certain foods, I wanna read some books, I wanna watch some movies, and simply I just wanna go to sleep one day without feeling sense of regret cause I didn’t study enough—I wanna chill.

So maybe it can be a good formula to keep myself on track in order to getting closer to Him. Thinking about hereafter. We only know how beautiful jannah by very itty-bitty glimpse on Quran or Islamic stories. I believe jannah is greater than that. And this believe, we have to always hang on it and focus on what we’re doing on this dunya. To be prepared for exam. To passed it with straight A’s. So that, we can chill one day.

 

That’s all for this post. Sorry I wasn't immediately get into the point for the very first place. Just like the other Thoughts post, I write it while at the same time trying to unwire my mind. Thank you for stopping by!

 

P.S : This post is more to be like a self reminder for me, so I can easily read it again and be remembered. But I hope it gives you insight, as well. Well, please lemme know at the comment below ;)

 

(AND JUST LIKE USUAL, SORRY FOR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS T.T – still learning)

 

Love,

 

Salma.