Oh, hello. Welcome to another random self-talk at 1 am that I decide to capture with words cause it's raining, I run out of coffee, and I just feel like writing. As usual, it contains a lot of grammatical errors and there's high chance that I will muter-muter, but since you're here, make yourself comfortable!

time is moving. (cr : pinterest)

 Back in high school days, I was into this fiction story on wattpad where the author write a line that I can't forget ever since :

Nothing lasts forever except that word itself.

Growing up each day, I find that I become too fixated in counting time. Starting from counting down days that will take me to a certain event, counting how many hours left before the next day (happens a lot especially on Monday, hehe), counting how many years and months I've been on a certain emotional level, counting time. And lately I realize, the scary thing isn't merely just because we can't stop it, but as time goes by, it changes another things, too. And then we have to develop this ability to preserve memory.

Although we know there's this term called deja vu where you think you've already experienced something before but don't really remember, I personally believe that no matter how similar an experience feels like, it won't be the same as the one that you've got before. Isn't it sad? I don't know. It can be. But, it can be interesting, too, 'cause why bother to worry if you won't experience the same thing when we still got  a lot things we haven't done for the first time?

Nah, I was trying to be positive.

But if you're a kind of person that care for the details, this can be bothering you. There's always be something gone every day, replaced by other things, or just.. fly away. Then years later you realized that many things has changed but actually, it just the compilation of small things that slowly fade away every day. 

Sometimes I take a moment to stop and think, quite mesmerized, how do human survive with all of this? how do we survive living every day, knowing we can't have this exact moment again? how do we love something, maybe deeply, without really knowing if we can have it for a long time? 

But then, the other thoughts came in, is life still worth living without that cluelessness?

Well, silly me. I just realized it while writing the line that I bold. Yeah, right. Most of the days, it's the cluelessness of what will come after that makes life feels not really boring, even though it is (sometimes). When in pain, we survive by trying to think that this too shall pass. When in happy days, we feel like there's more good things to come, even though we don't know what it is. Cluelessness, it's like a life-saver.

I captured a lot of pictures. If they aren't pictures of me or my friends, it's usually random pictures--the road, the sky, the bridge, feet, food, moon, etc. I didn't really know why I did that, I thought it's because of the aesthetic. But then I looked around and some people did it, too. Some people don't but they told me some smells remind them of something. Some songs remind them of someone. The conclusion is, we all have our own way to preserve memories. The moment may gone, but its track remain in one's heart and mind through many forms. It gives contribution to the person we become today.

How beautiful we are as human for not knowing but still trying. Sometimes, give a start to something new feels like jumping by parachute from a high cliff--we don't know whether the parachute will unfurl or we'll fall. But I know, I know most days we try to jump anyway. The rest isn't really important, 'cause there's always.. always other things that matter more. It could be a really silly thing--maybe just to see a smile, to hear certain words, or simply just to feel like we're living our life to the fullest. Cause what it takes to be like that, is just a little bravery. A little clueless bravery.