Moonspoken

Out of all the shareable things in this world, the responsibility for our own happiness, perspectives, and feelings aren't among them.

We are not responsible on how people will think about us, that way we can stop being such a people pleaser and can start to be the actual kind person. Based from a video that I watched, being kind is different from being nice. Kindness allows you to tell people you care about their flaws so they can fix them–you'd tell them that they irritate you so the both of you can share mutual respect in the future. Meanwhile, if we are more focused on being nice and only that, it means we only care about ourselves and how others think about us.

Either way, people aren’t responsible for the way we feel. This may sound cruel, but it’s true. However, our feelings are our own responsibility. Either happiness or sadness is something that we decide.

In which I would say, thank you to everyone who help me to deal with how I manage and interpret my feelings, happiness, etc. when I was too dumb to realize the right thing. When I was too careless to even take care of my feelings. I should’ve done it alone since it’s my responsibility to do so, however, I can’t deny that your company does make it easier.

I’m thankful for every encounter that I made with you guys. The number of nights that we spent together under the same roof, talking about nothing till 2 am in the morning. Or your willingness to hear me talking over the phone when I was away and homesick, and other scenarios when you were by my side through all the ups and downs. All of those moments, all of you. I couldn’t mention all the names–but be it old good friends or the new ones, thanks for comforting me and being such an endless wonderful resource for me to learn to be a better person.

On the other hand, I do aware that even endless things have their end in this finite world. We may become apart for so so many reasons. Therefore, I hope every moment that we would spend together can be a part of our dazzling core memory–the one we’ll look back to when life gets tough. So either it’s happiness, sadness, or something between those two that you feel, you can remain silent if you prefer to keep it–, but hold my hand tight while we’re at it.

 

When I was much younger, probably 4 til 12, growing up seems like freedom. That my mom won’t yell at me for stay up late or not finishing my meal. Means I can go out with my friends for long, coming home when it’s dark without getting punished.

 

An amateur writer once,

Fell for you

She ain’t keep those proofs of your presence anymore

But you still live

In every unsent letters that she wrote

In between thoughts and attempts

To erase you clearly

 

You won’t ever read it

But they are easy to summarize

“I was so wrong

I’m sorry.”

 

“I saw moonlight today.”

“And I think about you less than yesterday.”

“By now, you must be more okay.”

"And I'm also, no longer astray."

 

Street lights at 6 pm

Brought her back to her old life

But deep down, she knew

She kept on repeated the same mistakes

 

“I wanna say until then,”

But maybe you’re just one of those parallel lines

“I didn’t mean to”

But sometimes, some words better to be left unsaid

Some love better to be enjoyed alone

Until it fades away, until it’s irrelevant

 

 

“This is maybe the least letter.”

“I finally find me.”

 

credit : pinterest

“What once lost can now be found,

we were the lost but now we found” – Night Terrors of 1927

 

As what the majority of wise people always said, life is all about journey. So does finding ourselves. Finding something new from a scratch, or finding something that once gone for awhile. Some people genuinely collect what they like and don’t and put it all in one book or journal—every page resonates a lot to who they really are. Some people have the ability to talk it off, share it with anyone else. I always find it beautiful when I see someone talk about what they like with a star in their eyes, hand shaking so excitedly, and soft giggle at the end. Or when they tell about things they dislike, tossing off negative energy, being raw and pure. Isn’t it awesome that we all have a little piece of us in things on this universe?

That being said, it’s like, when you can no longer accessing me, or when I’m no longer around, I’m still sitting in my favorite seat on bus that I used to take when I was in junior high school, I’m still humming that chorus of my favorite song, and you can also find me on every paragraphs of my favorite novels.

The other things is, somehow our piece of us sometimes can go as the clock ticking. We ain’t into those Nickelodeon cartoons forever, but someday in our mid 20s at the end of our busy day, we would just come across that one scene of Spongebob and find our five-years-old soul at Sunday morning, with grin all over our face, and we would remember that feeling of joy and freedom.  Or maybe that silly song that we used to hear on repeat after our first heartbreak. Back then, it feels painfully good to hear those songs, but now maybe we would just smile at those memories, realizing our teenager-self had handled it well, even though they didn’t think so at that time. In conclusion,  I think it’s actually pretty beneficial to be reminded of what we were like, what we were aspiring to be, and sometimes reflecting on it can help us to overcome what we need to tackle today. And sometimes, the problem of growing up is.. there will be a phase when we feel like we lose ourselves.

You just wake up in the morning and feel so strange. That rhetorical question, what am I doing now? knocking your head and you just won’t answer it. And everything.. just feels.. unconnected. I don’t know how to describe it well but I think everyone had that kind of experience, maybe it due to monotonous life or indeed it’s time to feel that way. I took it as a sign to develop more about myself. I watched my comfort series and finding new songs to listen to, engaged with people.. and just don’t let myself running empty. Days later, I accidentaly see myself on the mirror while humming and casually moving my body with my favorite song at that time, and I went like, “Oh girl, I know you. Glad we meet again.”

It doesn’t have to be ‘media’ or ‘culture’ like music and movies. I assume that what we actually need sometimes is to reliving some phases in our life where we feel certain feelings, to understand that we have going through a lot of things, and it took damn long time to finally be here. We would scattered into pieces sometimes, we would feel happy as hell or nothing at all, that’s fine, ‘cause like the moon, it’s okay to not be whole every day. To lost and find way back to ourselves. We’re just human after all.

Oh, hello. Welcome to another random self-talk at 1 am that I decide to capture with words cause it's raining, I run out of coffee, and I just feel like writing. As usual, it contains a lot of grammatical errors and there's high chance that I will muter-muter, but since you're here, make yourself comfortable!

time is moving. (cr : pinterest)

 Back in high school days, I was into this fiction story on wattpad where the author write a line that I can't forget ever since :

Nothing lasts forever except that word itself.

Growing up each day, I find that I become too fixated in counting time. Starting from counting down days that will take me to a certain event, counting how many hours left before the next day (happens a lot especially on Monday, hehe), counting how many years and months I've been on a certain emotional level, counting time. And lately I realize, the scary thing isn't merely just because we can't stop it, but as time goes by, it changes another things, too. And then we have to develop this ability to preserve memory.

Although we know there's this term called deja vu where you think you've already experienced something before but don't really remember, I personally believe that no matter how similar an experience feels like, it won't be the same as the one that you've got before. Isn't it sad? I don't know. It can be. But, it can be interesting, too, 'cause why bother to worry if you won't experience the same thing when we still got  a lot things we haven't done for the first time?

Nah, I was trying to be positive.

But if you're a kind of person that care for the details, this can be bothering you. There's always be something gone every day, replaced by other things, or just.. fly away. Then years later you realized that many things has changed but actually, it just the compilation of small things that slowly fade away every day. 

Sometimes I take a moment to stop and think, quite mesmerized, how do human survive with all of this? how do we survive living every day, knowing we can't have this exact moment again? how do we love something, maybe deeply, without really knowing if we can have it for a long time? 

But then, the other thoughts came in, is life still worth living without that cluelessness?

Well, silly me. I just realized it while writing the line that I bold. Yeah, right. Most of the days, it's the cluelessness of what will come after that makes life feels not really boring, even though it is (sometimes). When in pain, we survive by trying to think that this too shall pass. When in happy days, we feel like there's more good things to come, even though we don't know what it is. Cluelessness, it's like a life-saver.

I captured a lot of pictures. If they aren't pictures of me or my friends, it's usually random pictures--the road, the sky, the bridge, feet, food, moon, etc. I didn't really know why I did that, I thought it's because of the aesthetic. But then I looked around and some people did it, too. Some people don't but they told me some smells remind them of something. Some songs remind them of someone. The conclusion is, we all have our own way to preserve memories. The moment may gone, but its track remain in one's heart and mind through many forms. It gives contribution to the person we become today.

How beautiful we are as human for not knowing but still trying. Sometimes, give a start to something new feels like jumping by parachute from a high cliff--we don't know whether the parachute will unfurl or we'll fall. But I know, I know most days we try to jump anyway. The rest isn't really important, 'cause there's always.. always other things that matter more. It could be a really silly thing--maybe just to see a smile, to hear certain words, or simply just to feel like we're living our life to the fullest. Cause what it takes to be like that, is just a little bravery. A little clueless bravery.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Hello. This is my very first post in 2021. I’ve decided to write some self-reflection and share what have been in my thoughts lately. And the title is pretty much covered up all the things that I look forward and strive for  these past months. Exam.

As some of you may already know, I’ll be graduated from high school this year. Then, 2021 will be like a turning point to decide what kind of life that I’ll be going through for several years ahead. This year I’m waiting for a lot of announcements—from scholarship, college entrance exam that I’ll do seven days later, and another thing. Seems like my heart has to work extra to pump enough blood when it beats so fast every time I’m about to “get to know what my future looks like.”

One day, while I lied down at 11 pm hoping to fall asleep, my eyes stared at the note papers that I stuck on to my wall. Then, I remember that these past months I’ve (kinda) practiced what they called delaying gratifications.

To put it simple, delaying gratifications basically means the act to delay giving yourself a reward in order to obtain something more for the sake of better future or achievements. This reward can be in form of binge watch your favorite series, fangirling, or simply just ignore your responsibility for awhile. Years before being a 12^th grader, I gave a lot of treatments to myself—movies, books, and hanging out with friends. And actually, I still do it, but I kind of decrease the doses and cut some source of my entertainment in order to perform my best at the college entrance exam.

 

I’m no longer industriously watch Korean dramas which I don’t know why it’s getting better whenever I try to detach myself from it, no longer have lots of outdoor activities (well.. actually because of Covid), and… well, actually just that. ‘Cause I still figuring out how to decrease my screen time especially on scrolling social media, but I think my time is more well-spent than before because of this delaying gratification practice also taught me the kind of entertainment that I really like so that later on, maybe I won’t spend two hours straight just to figure out what to watch. And also, because of this practice, I feel like I finally let go of that ‘pressure to fit in’ by watching current trending series or movies. I haven’t watched Start Up and The Penthouse but I’m still breathing well and I think my friends still like being around me, so.. yeah, thankfully I discovered new wisdom.

In conclusion, all that I did—getting anxious, avoiding distractions, and restrain myself from some entertainments—are actually for the sake of passing the exam. ‘Cause I have to be all-prepared for that. Because if I failed, I’d be so sad and I’d have to do another exam which means it’ll be more difficult for me ‘cause I have to ‘suffer’ twice.

Coming back to my thoughts at that eleven in the night, my brain was kinda linked the ‘college entrance exam’ I’m about to have to the bigger exam that we’re having now. Me and you.

Life.

Yeah, the key point that I wanna elaborate in this long post is that life is an examination.

I think that sentence is already well known especially in many Islamic lectures. Yeah, life is an examination. This world, this dunya, isn’t the place where we can be free and relax and just laying down, stretching our legs, having no heavy thoughts. See in this life every person carry their own problems, burdens, anxieties, fears, traumas, insecurities, etc. And after we think we passed a trial, soon we’ll have something new to deal with. And even what we think is a happiness can actually be a test or trial. When we think we already grown up and have healthy relationship with people, we can still have to deal with ourselves. Over and over again.

Because life it’s indeed just about that.

But as a muslim, a trial shouldn’t make us so sad because Allah has promised to always got our back and He never failed His promise. He would never let us down. We’ve been guided by the Prophets, the Quran, the sunnah, in how to living this life.. how to passed the exam.

So I’ve been thinking, that what I did to prepare my college entrance exam are what I supposed to be doing to passed this way more ‘tremendous’ examination of life.

 

Delaying gratifications can be simply translated to do what Allah wants and avoid what He forbid which is the main definitions of Taqwa. Getting anxious about hereafter, about Allah’s blessings is the form of worship. It’s just melt my heart how beautiful if I can do that—if this imaan isn’t fluctuate very often. But again, Allah got our back and He always wait for us to repent over and over again.

 Sometimes when I’m studying and I got so sick of it, I often remind myself that I’ll get to do whatever I want after the exam passed. I’m actually already having a list on my mind—I wanna travel, I wanna eat certain foods, I wanna read some books, I wanna watch some movies, and simply I just wanna go to sleep one day without feeling sense of regret cause I didn’t study enough—I wanna chill.

So maybe it can be a good formula to keep myself on track in order to getting closer to Him. Thinking about hereafter. We only know how beautiful jannah by very itty-bitty glimpse on Quran or Islamic stories. I believe jannah is greater than that. And this believe, we have to always hang on it and focus on what we’re doing on this dunya. To be prepared for exam. To passed it with straight A’s. So that, we can chill one day.

 

That’s all for this post. Sorry I wasn't immediately get into the point for the very first place. Just like the other Thoughts post, I write it while at the same time trying to unwire my mind. Thank you for stopping by!

 

P.S : This post is more to be like a self reminder for me, so I can easily read it again and be remembered. But I hope it gives you insight, as well. Well, please lemme know at the comment below ;)

 

(AND JUST LIKE USUAL, SORRY FOR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS T.T – still learning)

 

Love,

 

Salma.